The Humor Thread

[WilliamCross]

Hey, fellas! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up on a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a few shorts:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

[WilliamCross]

Three old pilots were walking across the ramp to their airplanes.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday."
Third one says, "Yeah, so am I. Lets go get a beer instead.”

[WilliamCross]

So this bear walks into a bar.

The bear says, "I'll have……………………………………………………………………………………………………… a beer."

Bartender says, "Hey bear, why the big pause?"

[Sean]

Yesterday I hiked with my 9-year old nephew. We went to Etiwanda Falls in Rancho Cucamonga. There were lots of people at the waterfall. Another guy and a boy stood next to us at the top of the rocks. The man was blaring vulgar gangster rap music. "Hey, buddy, do you mind turning off the music?" I asked politely. He replied, "It's a free country," and ignored my request. So I pushed him over the waterfall. He fell on the rocks, split his head open, and died instantly. I turned toward my nephew, who was pushing the other boy off the cliff. "What're you doing?!" I cried. My nephew grinned and answered, "It's a free country."

[WilliamCross]

Yesterday I hiked with my 9-year old nephew. We went to Etiwanda Falls in Rancho Cucamonga. There were lots of people at the waterfall. Another guy and a boy stood next to us at the top of the rocks. The man was blaring vulgar gangster rap music. "Hey, buddy, do you mind turning off the music?" I asked politely. He replied, "It's a free country," and ignored my request. So I pushed him over the waterfall. He fell on the rocks, split his head open, and died instantly. I turned toward my nephew, who was pushing the other boy off the cliff. "What're you doing?!" I cried. My nephew grinned and answered, "It's a free country."

Lol! Keep 'em coming, Sean.

[WilliamCross]

I broke up with a communist woman..

In hindsight, it was a giant red flag.

[WilliamCross]

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falsely accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent!"

[Sean]

Last week I was hiking through the Narrows of the San Gabriel River. It was after a big rain, so the water level was higher than usual. I turned a corner and started wading through the river. At the midway point I looked up and noticed a woman squatting over a patch of sand on the bank. She had dropped her pants to her knees and was in the process of urinating. She noticed me too and yelled, "Hold on, I'll be just a few more seconds." I kept pushing through the knee-high water and walked right up to her. She was still peeing when, a little surprised and upset, she asked, "Why did you continue to cross when you saw me going pee here?" I replied, "Oh, I don't like to stop mid-stream."

[WilliamCross]

The midget strip club down the street is hiring..

They must be short staffed.

[Sean]

The midget strip club down the street is hiring..

They must be short staffed.

IRS agents are investigating the club. They suspect that employees are being paid under the table.

[Girl Hiker]

Those jokes were very entertaining. Now I must get back to work.

[Girl Hiker]

I bought a new pair of hiking boots from a drug dealer. I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

[Girl Hiker]

If my friends ask about the hike, I’ll summit up nicely!

[Sean]

What do you call a metal can full of shit?

A Putin.